THIS PAINTING IS SO BEAUTIFUL!
(Does everyone think I’m a big joke and all of this art is silly?)
Did I see this painting in a movie?
Does that three pointed shape look too much like Basquiat?
Did I intend to make that shape?
(Does it matter?)
WHY IS ALL OF THIS SO UGLY?
Woah. Something is happening over there.
Will everyone know that that line was inspired by Cy Twombly? And that mark is from Julie Mehretu? And will they all roll their eyes at my little Miro circles?
!!! This is so much fun !!!
I didn’t mean to do that. (Does that mean its not mine?)
WHAT AM I DOING?
Why am I painting canvases white the day before the gallery comes?
Why do I love fluorescent pink so much right now? YES.
That painting is DONE! Wait…
WHAT IF I ONLY SHOW ONE PAINTING?
Why is anybody coming?
Do people like it on Instagram?
(Are they coming to my show because they feel sorry for me?)
A peanut butter sandwich, again!
Showing art is like saying HELLO THERE IS MY SOUL AND MY MOST INTIMATE THOUGHTS FOR EVERYONE TO SEE! Followed by, “It’s nice to meet you, my name is elle.”
Just because I can’t stop painting doesn’t mean I should paint.
Just because I’m making a lot doesn’t mean I should make.
Should and Ought To are words that I don’t like very much.
Is this good for HUMANITY?
(When I work really hard, I see myself getting better. That feels good.)
Why am I doing this?
Why am I having a show?
Why do I make art?
WHAT IF THE SHOW IS AWFUL THERE IS NO ONE TO BLAME BUT ME. NO TEAM NO “OTHER” JUST ME.
Deep breath …
Things I know to be true:
1. Painting is really fun.
2. I have been painting almost every day for the last few months and I can’t stop. This is coming from somewhere deep inside me.
3. I’m proud of how hard I’ve been working.
4. I’m having a show so that I have a deadline. It’s crazy and aggressive. We all knew that when I said yes. This is just about working really hard until then.
5. Yes, if it fails, it will just be me. That is hard. Because I am giving this show everything I’ve got. But it’s an honest show about where I am right now. And I’m just beginning. I only get one first solo show ever. So let’s embrace the beginning with grace.
6. If I keep putting my work out there, I have to hope that it will find the people it’s meant to touch. That might be one person or it might be many, but my hope is that it finds them and touches them in some way.
7. When I paint I feel alive. And vitalized people vitalize (says Jo campbell), so yes. Painting right now is good. Yes. Hopefully it will speak to someone. Yes. Having a show is hard. Yes. Something here is good, though…
“Keep moving,” I can hear her say…
With a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich,
And a room full of canvases,
I’m back to work.